I turned down the opportunity to be a Google APM on a core ML team to join a seed-stage startup as the first employee. Why?
I penned down bullet lists and rehashed reasons, but none of it quite captured the essence. So instead of explaining my rationales, let me share the stories where I grappled with the known versus the unknown, where I weighed trophies against my own truths, and where, ultimately, I trusted my intuition over chains of reason. I hope you’ll grasp my “why” by the end of this read.
Uncharted Path or Paved Road?
When I was 15, my mom took a job in America. I faced a choice: join her or remain at my high school in Beijing. In Beijing, life was scripted — I had the top GPA in my class; my team and I won medals at academic decathlons; and I was something of a luminary at our drama club. Staying on this path, I saw a direct route to a reputable college. But transferring to an American public high school and starting over? Nobody knows what will happen. Leaving means letting go of a comfortably successful and predictable future laid out in front of me.
Yet, I opted for the unknown. In a predominantly white and Jewish suburban Chicago school, I retook 10th grade, grappled with making new friends, and struggled to get cast in school productions as a yellow-skinned, accented ESL. High school wasn’t my heyday, but the non-stop challenges catalyzed rapid growth. I sought out scrappy ways to learn and grow every day because I had no other choice — I talked to myself in showers to get used to slang and idioms and commuted 3.5 hours each Wednesday to the city center for a theater youth council focused on cultural diversity. Paradoxically, when support was scarce and desperation peaked, I unearthed resilience, creativity, and capability within.
Fast forward, Google’s APM program offers terrific support and mentorship that ensure everyone’s success. Within a year, I'd rotate to a new team, and in another, be promoted to PM I. Staying on, further promotions would await in a few years, while leaving means I can shop around other tech companies with a golden resume. Much like at 15, I was set on a safe and radiant trajectory, and again, I rejected it.
A part of me must have seen this coming. I thrive by diving headfirst into novel challenges, and my journey has its share of examples. Within a year, I went from being a novice in venture capital to the youngest intern at ex-YC China. Over 2 years, I learned figure skating via YouTube and made it onto Cal’s competition team. Uncertainties, though intimidating, transform me into a bold adventurer who sees the unknown terrain as territories waiting to be conquered. In this light, challenges are fun and risks are what keep life invigorating.
Trophies or Truths?
During the gap semester in my senior year, I was driven by a singular goal: reclaiming agency in my life. Sure, I had enviable achievements — a bachelor's in EECS from Berkeley and a prestigious, high-paying job straight out of college. Yet, I don’t feel like I accomplished them, rather it felt like they merely happened to me. I majored in computer science because almost everyone around me did. I interned as an SWE because that’s the common path CS majors followed. Then I aimed for Google APM because, like my friend said semi-ironically, “Isn’t that everyone’s dream?” I checked off the “next big thing” every step of the way, but standing at the top of canonical success, I felt more lost than ever.
I was ecstatic when I first got the APM internship and my full-time return offer, but that feeling quickly faded. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t as happy as I thought I would be after getting the “dream job.” For a while, I tried really hard to tell myself that I should be happy because lots of people want what I have. How can I possibly not be content when all my hard work finally paid off?
I spent a lot of time addressing this internal conflict when I was studying abroad in London. Sitting by the Thames watching the hustling crowd moving in and out of my horizon, memories of the most “glorious” moments of my life surfaced in my mind: the day I found out I scored top 0.2% in the Beijing high school entrance test; the day I won 3rd place in the Illinois State math competition, … Somehow, the pride and happiness I experienced in every such situation faded very quickly. Then I dug deeper and saw the truth that I couldn’t unsee ever since — my happiness was often found in the sifting sands of external validation rather than my own intrinsic desires.
In my pursuit of what others deemed successful, I became a master performer wearing a mask shaped by my environment’s expectations. While it fitted, I never felt free. Behind that mask, I let the voices of people around me mute my own. Mary Oliver’s “The Journey” touched me in an inexplicable way the first time I read it 5 years ago. Every time I revisit it, I seem to discover something new. This time, I find it capturing the essence of my current sentiments better than my own words:
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and
began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to
do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voice behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and
deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life that you could
save.
So what is it that I want? I want to work on the frontier of ML applications, on a product I believe in. I want to grow as fast as I can and not let bureaucracies or anything else stop my progress. I want to be scrappy and creative. I want to feel stretched but supported, challenged but empowered. What I wanted led me to my decision.
Having agency means actively shaping my desires into reality. In this new era, I cannot predict what I will gain and lose, but I know for sure that the gains and losses are all mine to keep.
Reason’s Limits or Heart’s Call?
My friends describe me as a logical thinker. In my mind, thoughts take the form of vectors, memories are compressed and retrieved like data, and representations of the world exist on logical levels. I naively attempted to decode English grammar in middle school, treating it like a set of clear-cut rules. Obviously, I failed to pin it all down to pure logic, but I grew to appreciate that certain things, like grammar, don’t adhere to strict sense. Sometimes, I just have to trust my intuition.
Let me share a few reasons why I chose Martian, and why they aren’t really the definitive reasons behind my decision:
Rapid Personal Growth: Through three summer internships and part-time roles almost every semester in college, nowhere did I experience the steep learning curve that I did during my 2-week trial at Martian. Every day, I made progress that filled me with pride.
Trust & Support: Over the 8 months we’ve worked together, I realized that Yash and Etan are honest, devoted individuals who not only care deeply about their mission but also about the success of those around them. I feel supported, valued, and heard.
Mission & Interest Alignment: I believe in a future with a large number of specialized models for specific applications. The task of aggregating and routing between these models appeals to me — it’s a direction that feels both right and interesting.
I can continue with their success in fundraising feats or delve into their impressive work ethic. However, for every reason I can cite, there can be a “but” favoring Google or a different startup. For weeks, I was torn, weighing the odds and potential outcomes. Pure reason failed me — I could not decide.
What eventually swayed me was my intuition. I bothered different friends for advice, and each conversation brought about fresh perspectives that made me more indecisive. Some vouched for APM, others favored Martian, and a few recommended a different company or a different path altogether. However, my reactions in these conversations were telling. I would advocate for Martian as if I had already decided to join. Reflecting on it, my gut had made a decision long before my mind. The real challenge was to muster the strength to trust my inner voice.
Trusting my intuition means living out what only I know to be true. It takes more bravery than relying on logic, for it lacks shared validation and affirmation. Despite writing about my story, the totality of my decision and the responsibility that follows rests solely with me.
I embark on this new chapter with a heart full of conviction. In a year, I might find today’s profound realizations naive in the rearview mirror. But that’s the beauty of it all — our lives being a recursive and ongoing search for what truly matters. Wherever this journey takes me, I will keep reflecting, rediscovering, and relearning. Stay tuned, since this narrative is just the beginning.
I am beyond thankful for everyone who helped me in the past months: Ryan, Yijia, Olivia, Amit, Linus, Marco, Gautam, Kenneth, Avery, Kristie, Cindy, Simon, Daniel, Nikhil, and more! I am thankful for the APM program and everyone I met and worked with throughout my internship & recruiting process. Thank you to all the startups I talked to, including the ones that didn’t work out in the end. I appreciate Yash and Etan for being such open-minded, transparent, and communicative founders. Finally, thank you Jeremy for being there for me through it all.
I relate so much to these ideas of chasing what everyone else is it really feels like it’s a result of the environment and it’s hard to realize while in it. I also love Mary Oliver’s poem as well - so nice to see your growth and learning in the different areas and not being afraid to go into the unknown. thank you for writing this